99% of Substackers Don't Know this ONE WEIRD TRICK

You Don't Have to "Like-Like" This Article to Like this Article

When I first heard of “sub stack”, I was like you. I immediately conjured this image.

Pardon my French, but, “Zoinks!” How wrong I was. I learned that Substack is a website, on the internet, which is now conveniently on computers of all sizes. If you’re under 30, this may sound obvious. But if you’re old enough to remember when America Online mailed you a CD promising 700 hours of free dial-up on the world wide web, you understand what a journey this has been. Back then, you’d pop that free CD into your Compaq Presario, spend five minutes listening to a series of modem shrieks that sounded like robot BDSM, and bang! You were surfing the information superhighway.

Nowadays, the internet is more refined, curated, enframed. You’re looking at this on a phone and your double chin is accentuated. Unless of course you are a Deluxe Subscriber. If that’s the case, you are reading the hand-carved cuneiform stone tablet we mailed to you:

𒄿𒈾𒆷𒀉𒆷𒁉𒆠𒄿𒈠𒀀𒆷𒀠 𒌑𒋗 𒋗𒌑𒁍 𒋗𒆠 𒋗𒉏𒀀𒀭!

Am I right or what?

I soon discovered that Substack is a place of desperate undiscovered geniuses with sharp wits and elbows, jockeying for your sweet eyeballs.

Thought experiment. Think of a homeless guy, just standing there holding a sign, begging for change. Good. Now think of another homeless guy on the opposite street corner. This one has a guitar. He has the voice of an angel and the hands of a demon. Which homeless guy are you more likely to give your hard earned wooden nickel to? If you answered the homeless guy with nothing to offer, we have some work to do.

There’s a lot of ways to support starving artists on this platform. I’ll list them in order of importance. I won’t even ask you to become a Paid Subscriber - that’s tacky.

Become a Free Subscriber!

If you’re a stowaway, feasting your eyes and mind on this for the first time, hit that subscribe button! Not only is it good luck and good karma, it creates a “Network Effect.” This is a computer guy way of saying “Pyramid Scheme”, which is a sinister way of saying “Network Marketing Business Model.” But unlike Amway or Herbalife, you won’t end up with a garage full of unsold supplements and alienated family members. No, you’ll end up with a head cluttered full of racist memes, and a garage full of alienated family members. Don’t worry, we’re your family now. Tell us your best Pollack joke: we won’t judge you.

Share this article!

You can text, email, or re-stack it. You can whisper it into the ear of your spouse, just before bedtime. Now kiss her lobe, tiger.

Comment!

Most of my commenters, regardless of what I actually post, will say something transgressive like: “The Jews have all the money!” But it’s not true, I’ve been playing guitar outside the synagogue for weeks without a shekel to my name. They must all be broke!

A relevant comment, ideally demonstrating your reading comprehension, does wonders for your author’s self esteem. It’s like giving the teacher an apple.

Like this article!

I’ll admit, this is confusing. The “like” button is shaped like a heart. But you don’t have to love me to like me. Just get a big fat heart-on.

It reminds me of the first time I was in like. A girl at school told me that her friend Jennifer Judnick liked me. “She like, like-likes me?” My head swam. Jennifer was a white-trash princess. We made out soon thereafter. It was great. I can still taste the Newports. But it didn't last. We didn't go all the way and we’re not married now.

By extension, the commitment level I am asking is low. The risk that you will get carpal tunnel syndrome from liking this article is remote. All you’ll have is a fond memory. Go ahead, give it a try. Take out your meat spindle, it’s attached to your dumb arm. If you’re on a computer, use the trackpad or mouse to hover over the heart, click it and it turns red. If you’re on your dumbphone, poke the heart swiftly and it will overrun with crimson fluid. It’s that easy! How does that throbbing heart-on feel now?

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That’s it. You’ve reached the end. Unless, of course, you’re a Deluxe Subscriber, in which case, flip your stone tablet over for the bonus content!

𒀭𒁀𒆠𒅎𒆠𒄿𒂵𒈠𒀉𒌑𒈾𒀀𒆷𒁲𒀠!