How to Become Radicalized Online
Serfing the Disinformation Super-LOW-way
“Beep-beep-bepp, boop-beoop-boop-boop! … BREEE-BREEP-WEE-OHH-OOOH … WEE-OO-WEE-OO … KSHHH-KSHHH … KSSSHH-ZAP!”
I guess you could say my journey to becoming an online radical began with the unmistakable sound of my 56k modem booting up. In the halcyon seas of 1997, I was peacefully floating there on my keyboard, surfing the information super-highway. And things were going pretty tubularly, up until we all got caught up in a bogus tsunami of information. More like serfing the disinformation super-low-way!
See, if anyone knows how to serf, it’s commies. And who are the biggest commies? Russia, China, and the DNC. They’re scheming to have you munchin’ on factory-farmed turnips and bug meat while George Soros and some Pakistani Islamists gang rape your daughter! Gnarly!
Next thing I know, I’m paddling deeper into the dark web, trying to score some hash: don’t narc. I’m swimming past phishermen reptiles and doxx jellyyfish. Then some dude named “QShredder69” snorkels up and signs: “Those modem screeches? They’re actually mind-control frequencies, brother! Planted by Big Tech to turn us into soy-sipping drones while Bill Gates microchips our pets and programs them to eat us!”
I’m like, “Whoa, bodacious revelation!”
So I ditch the dial-up for a ham radio—no commie waves there—and start broadcasting my manifesto from a bunker made of Mountain Dew cans. The DNC’s sending black helicopters, Russia’s hacking my Tamagotchi, and China’s got little RED pandas parachuting out of weather balloons to spy on me! Meanwhile, Klaus Schwab’s out there, waxing his quiver with turnip grease, stoked for the Great Reset.
I’m not wiping out though. I’m not even close to my point break. I’m armed with a dial-up emulator and a VPN routed through Area 51, I’m fighting back; posting essays so dank they crash the Matrix. The tsunami’s coming, but I’m riding it, screaming, “KSSSHH-ZAP, Brah!” all the way to freedom. Surf’s up, commies! You’ll never take me alive.
That was phat, bruh, totally sick.