JD Vance’s Roast of Europe

A Plain Translation in American English

Man, it’s great to be back here in Ze Fatherland: Munich, Germany. Lots of history here, from the Munich Putsch to the Munich Agreement. Our own version of Hitler sends his regrets that he couldn’t be here today, he’s too busy with his Truth Social Account. [Raucous Laughter]

Germans, just kidding. The only difference between European Fascism and American Fascism is that we’re gonna win. Sorry, back-to-back World War champs: tape don’t lie. [Flips glasses up and down] I lose count sometimes, is that 40 US military installations in our vassal state of Deutschland?

And, brr, it’s cold in here! Remember when the Germans literally laughed at Trump when he warned you about becoming dependent on Russian Energy? Maybe now you’ll listen to daddy instead of Greta Thunberg.

Speaking of cold: Greta’s here tonight, looking like an absolute snack! What are you, auditioning for Frozen 3? Of course, Greta is worried about the climate. This is understandable, since she lives in Sweden, a sunless place with no men left. Greta, come to Ohio and you can kill 2 birds with one stone. I’ll set you up with a nice Amish fellow and you’ll reduce your carbon footprint, unless you count horse farts.

I see Italy in the crowd. Ciao! Hey, remember Benito Mussolini? I think you guys could use some of that today. Yeah, it would “Be-nito” if you could start paying your fair share towards your own defense. Caesar and the Mediccis are rolling in their graves looking at you on your fruity Vespas. [Raises eyebrows, takes a sip of beer]

England and France are here tonight: you’re welcome. I know we hedged our bets for awhile back in 1917 and 1941. What can I say, except our stupid constituents didn’t even want to go to war; we had to cajole them! Imagine that: cornfed guys who didn’t even want to be here, bailing you out twice in the last Century. We’re heroes without even really trying. [Snaps suspenders]

Hey, Keir Starmer is here! He’s ready to put troops in Ukraine! Let us know how that goes for your vast army of 75,000 snaggle-toothed goons that haven’t realized England stopped being a country after Thatcher.

Democracy is a pain isn’t it? It’s only democracy when you like the outcome, am I right, Volken? Hey wait, didn’t you Germans vote for mustache man? I get it: we all make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you have to over-correct and become a bunch of commie castrati. [Spins bowtie]

You know it’s kind of interesting: The Fuhrer didn’t care much for commies or the gypsies either. I think he’d be proud of the way you all overturned the election in Romania. Wokka Wokka!

No, I'm kidding, we love Eastern Europe: Neuschwanstein’s Trailer Park. Poland! The nation that’s least worth defending is the most committed to defending itself? The guys who put screen doors on their submarines? But seriously Poland, we owe you a debt of gratitude for what you did back in 1683. Europe was almost overrun by the Ottomans: an Empire so gay, they couldn’t make a sword straight.

Ukraine is here! What up, Ukraine? Ukraine, we appreciate you as our laundromat for dirty money. It’s important that we stand up against Russian aggression, no matter the cost, even if we’re just prolonging the inevitable outcome. You’d think a guy named “Voldemort Zelensky” would have another magic trick up his sleeve apart from begging for money [Crowd Goes “oooh”]. President Zelensky, don’t worry, we have your back. I can promise that you won’t get Gaddafi’d. We’re not monsters like Hilary. [Crowd Roars]

Yes Europe, there’s a new sheriff in town. You’ve been our bottom bitch for 80 years, but you bitches bottomed out. We’re not going to cut your face, but your makeover begins with you. You’ve heard of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”? Well this is “Yankee Buck for the Euro Cuck!” We’ll teach you some self-respect. The first step: stop being afraid of words. Especially words in English, which we’re all speaking now, because we conquered you back in Dickity-five.

You people are literally afraid of guys wearing berets, lederhosen, and kilts. Our right-wing maniacs are wearing camo and are armed to the teeth. The English are living in fear of inbred Pakistanis wielding kitchen knives for gosh sakes! Sack up, Limeys.

You guys have been great sports, I appreciate it. I mean you have to be, since you’re all parasitic welfare queens. We can get through this together, with the power of laughter.

But what about me, JD Vance? Well, I'm just a caveman. I was thawed out by your scientists, and then I went to law school. Your modern world frightens me, so I wrote a book, then I got elected somehow. I'm not high-born like you guys, in fact, I still rely on my freaky Kama Sutra wife to on apply my eyeliner. Anyway, here's to us - the USA - trying to lead the world while our own house is on fire. Cheers to that!

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