Project Hail Rocky

Audiences and critics have been rightfully effusive about Project Hail Mary. My wife and I walked away from the film happy, but we were troubled by our inability to remember a comparably feel-good blockbuster from recent years. I’m talking about an original film that audiences aged 12-90 can enjoy together, regardless of politics or gender. Skimming the Academy wikipedia, it seems the last decent film of this type was… another Andy Weir film, The Martian. I considered The Arrival, but while it was good, it didn’t have that popcorn feel. And while Tom Cruise is a legend and, to heck with his haters, the Top Gun reboot doesn’t count.

The list of crowd-pleasers in the last 10 years that were not superheroes, reboots, cartoons, too violent, satanic, overtly sexual/ gay, or woke/gay is surprisingly thin. Ford v Ferrari, La La Land, Knives Out, and Baby Driver are the rare outliers and even these titles can be called into question (looking at you, quirk chungus Sherlock Holmes).

I used to love movies but I have largely stopped watching them. This is because the opportunity cost of watching a film like Saltburn is simply too high to tolerate that level of demoralization.

This is bad. Insofar as Hollywood is a propaganda marketing machine, and most people are highly susceptible to propaganda, imagine how empowered our society would be if we focused on vitalistic movies. Good marketing ought to make people feel good. Great marketing could even psyop people into doing cool stuff! The bulk of prestige studio content went from aspirational cool shit from the 1980s to 2000s to the following 3 categories (cherry-picked from 2013 onward):

1. Nihilism (Manchester by the Sea, Parasite, Joker, Nightmare Alley, Banshees of Inisherin, Nomadland)

2. Black History Month/ Progressive Lamentational/ Devotional (12 years a Slave, Selma, Get out, Green Book, Sinners)

3. Gay stuff (Moonlight, Saltburn, Call me by Your Name, Promising Young Woman)

You know what’s more interesting than watching any of the above movies? A literal pile of rocks.

You know who’s a better storyteller? That congenital liar from your high school class.

You know who’s funnier? Probably that kid in third grade that made you laugh so hard you squirted.

Milk.

Out of your nose.

In the midst of this rules-based Hollywood order - terrified to promote the charismatic leading man or transformative director - somehow, this popcorn flick is here.

That’s right, Ryan Gosling channels his star charisma into one of the most ambitious action buddy comedies ever. But even more surprising: his energy is somehow matched by an alien that every marketer in the world would tell you is “unrelatable.”

Rocky the Eridian has no face. He breathes ammonia. His language sounds like a mix of whale song, dial-up modem, and concrete mixer. He has five legs and a gaping cloaca/ feeding hole underneath. But he’s the real Hidden Figure, and it ain’t even his job Lawdy. I want to do everything in my power to ensure that this stone pentadactyl wins best supporting actor next year.

So Rocky is marooned in space alongside Ryan Gosling. Together they build a communications scaffold, build a friendship, and execute a daring plan to save their respective planets. Rocky resonates for the same reason E.T., Chewbacca, and Air Bud work: they are not human. But they are still ensouled. It only takes a modicum of courage to write with a bit of heart and soul. And since demographics are destiny, I would ask Hollywood to racially profile the production staff of Project Hail Mary and take notes.

Of course, a show-stealing sidekick makes for a fun movie. But a great movie is thematically great. As you might be able to tell from the title, Project Hail Mary is, perhaps unconsciously, rooted in Christian themes.

The villain is an invisible organism, impenetrably black. It survives by devouring light: the life-giving energy of the sun.

The ship is shaped like a cross if you squint.

The alien hero: Rocky. Peter means “rock”, the kind of reliable rock upon which you build a church.

The human hero: Ryan Golsing is called Grace. He’s a teacher who loves his flock. He’s also an apostate. He is sentenced to die and experiences his own moment of doubt before his sacrificial mission. With the help of his rockheaded friend, Grace completes his quest and begins his ministry on Eridia, teaching other rockheads about the dangers of space radiation and more. But one day he’ll return to Earth, Date TBD. If you think that sounds like someone else who loves you, you’re right.