The Legend of Q Anon
The Story Behind the Truth
Long ago, the allure of unlimited pizza had doomed the world. A psychic cadre of transdimensional reptilian vampires had infiltrated every echelon of power: government, clergy, academia. Yet, they were not invincible. Perhaps their most salient superpower was convincing ordinary folks (like you and me) that they did not exist. They even invented the term “gaslighting,” of which the practical definition is as follows: convincing a person who suspects the powers that be are insane and evil, that instead, the querulous individual is the one who is insane, and likely evil too.
These hematophagic lizard people assumed human form. Sure, their plastic smiles were unsettling, and their eyes possessed the warmth of a dead fish, but these uncanny beings made themselves passable as hominids. The vanguard of their invasion was a Trojan horse, a perfect delicacy comprising the best of the Four flavor profiles: salt, fat, acid, heat. Wood-fired flat dough, topped with marinara, mozzarella, and your pick of 7 deadly toppings. For dessert? The human race.
The people began to crave pizza. Its effect was maddening. Some became gluttonous, others indolent. People became wrathful in its absence and lustful in its presence. Dukes and judges and magistrates threw prideful pizza parties to the envy of one another, but when the frivolity had dispensed, their gourmand greed for more pizza endured.
The people sagged under the weight of their burgeoning chins and midsections. Their afflictions were many, and those afflictions were most profitable to the lizard men. To ameliorate the myriad sicknesses caused by pizza addiction (such as e-reptile dysfunction) business boomed for snake oil health tonics, psychiatric medicines and services, and of course, drive-thru food services for the afflicted obese, torpid, and insane. Human misery was the reptilian ambrosia, and they feasted in a frenzy.
After decades of madness, one man stood up, shouting: “Man cannot live on pizza alone!” He caused quite a bit of newsworthy havoc before he was publicly, permanently, and loudly silenced. But many of those who lived took quiet notice of his example. They steeled their hearts with sunlight, red meat, pure water, and healthy fats.
Then from far flung corners of the world, there arose an unlikely Quadrumvirate of heroes.
Sir Alexander Jones: A rebel who fell from the sky with no memory, armed with a pair of magic sunglasses that peeled back the veil of illusion. He wielded the Holy Partisan and fought for Freedom.
Mighty Joe Rogantan: A mad scientist’s simian psilocybin experiment who became self aware, liberated himself, shaved his fur, and learned our ways. He became a master of the martial arts and fought for the Spirit of Curiosity.
Toukere Ceorlson: A silver-spoon landed elite who tried playing lizard and found the scales didn’t suit him. His spells were borne upon his silver tongue and fought for the Truth.
Vladiator Путин: The shirtless polar-bear riding Tyrant King of the Isle of Vodka. He commanded the atom, bending men to his will, and fought for Order.
Though Sir Alexander admitted (and perhaps too often) that he was “a regular guy, but a little retarded,” he was the natural leader of the ambitious covert plan to subvert the serpents. A latent part of his damaged memory still recalled that he had seen the Reptilians documents - somewhere high above - and their plan to instill a demonic new world order was in full tilt. His bravado, even in ancient higher-testosterone times, was unmatched: “We're gonna defeat this anti-human scum! We're gonna wreck their world! We're such self-centered crap...we don't even notice Hell itself rising up against us. It’s a plan. And I’m angry. I'm not a slave. I’ve broken the conditioning: it doesn’t work on me. I’m primitive, I’m real, I know the enemy. If we can have the spirit of normal humanity spread, it’s over for the Lizards!”
The unlikely group built a mighty coalition that fought bravely, but they were eventually overcome by the dark forces that enveloped their world. In a suicide mission, the four heroes grasped each other’s arms grimly and nodded silently. Expressing the gravity of the scenario, they were sure to make dramatic, meaningful eye contact with each other. Then they hijacked Adolf Hitler’s UFO and flew it toward the reptilian mothership high above the jungles of Antarctica.
There they met the true source of the reptile race’s power: a Malthusian demon of ineffable malignance and overconfidence. This being was so cunningly malevolent, it underestimated the propensity of individuals to make truly reckless, unexpected, and altruistic decisions.
With four Holy Relics, the heroes enacted their final desperate gambit to obliterate the demon. But Vladiator betrayed them, intending to take the relics and capture the demon’s power for himself. The heroes fell, yet Sir Alexander, with his final breath, stared the demon in the eyes and bellowed: “"I’m not here to eat your shit!” He thrust his spear into the heart of the cosmic beast and the solar system shuddered. As the demon imploded, a nuclear cataclysm shattered the polar icecap. The planet flooded, its technologies were lost, and all memory was wiped clean of the Reptiles, the Heroes, and the Demon. Humanity was saved. But Civilization was not. And from low orbit, a dark crystal fell to earth.
…From “The Legend of Q”, Anonymous