You've Been Poisoned

A Guide to Overcome Irony Poisoning

Field Circular No. XIV

“The difference betwixt remedy and poison is commonly but a matter of measure.”
— Military Medical Maxim

On the Immediate Management of Irony Poisoning Accidental Poisoning Occurring Within Camp or March

Issued for the Instruction of Line Officers, Hospital Stewards, and Attending Orderlies
By Order of the Acting Surgeon for the Underground Designs Morale Department
Annoydyne Hellscape of Modernity Theater, 2026

Prefatory Note to the Reader

It has come to the attention of the Medical Cell Office for Insurgent Command at Underground Designs that instances of accidental irony poisoning have increased in frequency, owing to the excessive online engagement, lack of metaphysical preparation preparations.

Where delay is often fatal and assistance distant, it is imperative that the Officer or Steward understand the first principles of intervention.

The present conflict has furnished ample occasion for physical abuse and numbing agent anesthetic via Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors and Benzodiazepines; yet a quieter enemy moves amongst the ranks—administered not always by design, but often through gradual overconsumption, increasing comfort that becomes pacifying, misapprehension, excess of confidence, or misplaced curiosity.

Certain low definition/high definition Digital Media and corresponding habitual indulgence have produced symptoms as grave as any musket-ball.

Poison such as this declares itself in docile fashion. But it maliciously insinuates.

On the Immediate Treatment of Irony Poisoning in the Virtual Space

When a Person has unwittingly ingested deleterious Digital Media, whether Publishing, Audio, Video, Images & Graphics, or Interactive Media, it is of first importance that Alarm be subdued and Order established. Agitation of the Patient, or of those attending him, serves only to hasten the Circulation of the offending Agent.

I. Of the Substances Most Frequently Implicated

Among those agents encountered in digital media leading to irony poisoning to the viewer and the presenter alike are the following:

• Dry Raillery. The positive declaration of edgy or exaggerated jokes “just for laughs.”

• Irony carried to excess: referential nature of jokes about the joke about the joke.

• Character Absorption: the persona becomes inseparable from the person.

• Insensible Change of Conviction: repeated ironic statements start shaping real attitudes.

• Audience Bewilderment: viewers can’t tell if it’s satire or sincerity.

It must be remembered that a remedy in the correct dose becomes a ruin in excess.

The difference between physics and poison is often but a matter of measure.

II. Symptoms Commonly Observed

The Countenance may use cynicism as the default worldview. Exhibits an Emotional Flatness. Pending or uncompleted tasks and relationships. Creative cognitive tetraplegia conceals commentary.

The following symptoms are commonly observed as well , though rarely in equal measure:

• Excellent narrative deconstruction but want of vigor in living one; can not create

• Reliance on Shock as the only means to stimulate Dopamine release

• Socially connected through in-group humor residing purely online

• Misunderstanding ambiguity and cleverness as prerequisites to power

• One-sided cultivation of the in-group internet jargon creating a deranged inbalance

• Inability to form stable beliefs

• Displaced from meaning, stability

• Long-term creative depth

Let it be remembered that Time is the chief Adversary.

III. Immediate Measures to be Undertaken

1. Establish Order

Remove the afflicted from cyber commotion. Permit no crowding. Panic spreads more swiftly than poison.

2. If the Substance be prolonged in the Faculties

Immediate disconnection is advisable.

Administer without delay:

• Removal of all social media apps for a time of 30 days.

• Engagement in orderly labor or study

• Conversation with persons of disciplined character

• Exposure to natural scenery

• Regimen of Motion:

  • The patient should be encouraged toward gentle active motion then move regular muscular exertion to repair the stagnation of the system.

  • Invigorating activity in the open air is strongly recommended; A daily regimen of motion restores the tone of the system.

  • The patient should adhere to a plain and wholesome diet, free of excessive sweets, artificial preparations, and stimulating compounds.

The Practitioner must use discernment. What preserves in one case may destroy in another.

Encourage expulsion until the mind is emptied of poisonous substance.

Let the Steward observe carefully the character of that which is discharged, for it may reveal the nature of the offending substance.

Recovery is seldom achieved through moderation alone; temporary removal from the source is frequently required.

3. Concerning the Constitution

Robust persons endure what the Frail cannot. Yet even the stoutest frame may be undone by hesitation.

IV. On the Prognosis

Men of sound constitution endure more than those weakened by fever, privation, or dissipation.

Yet even the stoutest veteran may succumb if hesitation prevails.

Remember always: the interval between ingestion and remedy determines fate more surely than the quantity consumed.

V. On the Proper Employment of Irony

It must not be supposed that irony itself is a substance wholly injurious to the faculties. Properly administered, it may serve a useful purpose, much as certain stimulants, when employed with moderation, sharpen the mind without impairing its vigor.

The danger lies not in its occasional use, but in its continual habitation.

Irony should therefore be regarded as an instrument of discourse, and not as a permanent dwelling for the intellect.

Let it be employed with discernment, and laid aside when the occasion requires plain speech.

For the health of the faculties, it is advisable that a man permit himself, from time to time, a measure of unaffected sincerity, lest the habit of perpetual detachment render earnest expression impossible.

Indeed, it requires a certain courage to declare plainly what one truly holds to be so; yet such declarations preserve the steadiness of judgment and prevent the gradual derangement of the faculties that accompanies excessive irony.

VI. Concluding Admonition

Many such calamities arise not from malice, but from negligence.

Let bottles be labeled. Let medicines be secured. Let men be warned against the temptations of unfamiliar growth and contraband spirits.

The Surgeon’s art may redeem much—but prevention redeems more.

By Order,
Surgeon Nicholas John Paracelsus
Medical Department, Field Service

Printed at the Field Press of Underground Designs Sustainment Section for Limited Distribution Among Officers and Stewards.