Around the World in 80 Days

…But I did it in only 10 days.

“How?” You might ask.  Why, through the magic of reading!  This month’s Reading Rainbow book report is a few thoughts on Jules Verne's classic travel novel:  Around the World in 80 Days.

First off, this is an unpaid endorsement.  I have never met Jules Verne and I do not expect him to pay me for writing this.  Although, dear ghost of Jules Verne, if you’re out there, feel free to send a coordinates to any buried treasure.  

Without belaboring or spoiling the plot, one of the most striking things about this novel is the esteem in which it holds the archetype of “The English Gentleman.”  The phlegmatic protagonist Phineas Fogg is an emblem of the British Empire: Omni Pax Britannica at the peak of its powers.  Fogg is bold but taciturn, wealthy but modest, excursive but unflappable. 

There is little trace of the historical Anglo-Franco animosity from Verne, and much of the humor is derived from Fogg’s frequently hapless French valet, Passepartout.  Verne means to exhibit and promote the lantern-jawed, stiff-upper-lipped British blue-blood as the logical master of the planet.  If I ever met one of these guys, I’d be inclined to agree, but I guess they don’t make ‘em this way anymore. Sure there are still Brits, just like Ford Mustangs, but we aren’t exactly seeing anything mildly resembling the 1968 Ford Mustang hatchback these days. 

Speaking of things not being made this way anymore, the book is also a tour of the technological marvels of the age.  I guess the modern equivalent would be “Tesla across the USA in 80 Stops” with some awkward and nerdy Elon tweets along the way.  

Verne sets Fogg and his valet across the globe via steamship, railroad, and a few other surprising conveyances that I won’t spoil.  The luxury train cars and ships cabins are a far cry from the bussification we’ve endured on mass transit in the last 50 years.

“We’re not going back”¹

My final plug for Verne’s classic is the audio version, read by Jim Dale.  He was nominated for 7 Emmys and won 2 for his Harry Potter narrations and gives a comparably engaging performance here.  I’ll say this, pilgrim: any British actor who can pull off an American accent is a rare talent.  The other plug for the audio version is the curious way in which it was appended, which I’ll summarize as fairly as possible:

“Hi, I’m some NPR dork from New England and I inherited my father’s company, Listening Library.  My father loved science fiction, including Jules Verne, HG Wells, and Bradbury.  So I’m going to take some of my time to deliberately distance myself from Jules Verne, because, as a man of his times, he was an ignorant boob.  As a man of my times, I am terrified of some purple hair on SSRIs calling me a racist.  His depictions of indigenous peoples are problematic.  I’m sorry if this upset your delicate sensibilities, as it did mine.”  

My response to this libelous blaggard: Jules Verne did nothing wrong.  Here are the receipts:

1. The practice of Sati (burning a widow alive with her dead husband) was active in India during the 1870s, despite the best efforts of the British Empire to stamp it out.  

2. Opium was a hot commodity in China from 1839 until the 20th century.  Some history books infer that the British Empire was the root cause of this, but I can’t be sure, since I was there personally.  Eventually, Mao Zedong put an end to the Chinese opium habit.    Say what you will about the honorable chairman, but he helped clean up those mean streets.  Agriculture wasn’t his strong suit but hey, who bats a 1.000?

3. The plains Indians in the 1870s were the last of their kind: dominant mounted cavalry.  Among others, they included the Sioux, Crow, and Comanche.  A Comanche boy learned to ride a horse at 5 years of age.  A grown Comanche warrior could ride at a full gallop, dangle from his saddle by one foot, then shoot an arrow accurately from underneath the horse as it moved.  These guys were badass, and scary, and raids on trains were not uncommon from 1868 through the 1880s.  For more recommended reading on the Texas and Oklahoma Indian Wars, check out “Empire of the Summer Moon.” 

Anyway, far be it from me to let such a scurrilous layabout off the hook for spreading such misinformation.  Unfortunately, he is suffering from a modern malaise - the great millennial fear that something uncool might break out at any moment.  A pity the soy lattes have melted his brain or else I’d have challenged him to a battle of wits.  If I were to try and steelman the publisher’s position, I suppose that thematically, this book is about the benefits and merits of punctuality.  And, since I’ve been doing the work, I’ve made the shocking discovery that being on time is deeply rooted in white supremacy.   

Around the World in 80 Days is worth your time.  If you’re like me, it should motivate you, as it did George Banks, to live your life precisely on schedule. For future homework, I invite you to join me in my quest to restore the monarchy and the British gentry, so that we can all reclaim our dignified status under His Majesty’s crown, endowed by God himself, amen.   This is the most straightforward way I see to restore the spirit of imagination to our age. 

1. Unless you’re an Emirati Prince: the new inheritors of the Earth, minus the tact and class of Fogg and his ilk.  Fun diversion: a friend of mine recently shared that he once did the electrical work for several custom helicopters.  The clients were a series of Dubai magnates trying to one-up each other.  One of the sheiks had a stripper pole installed in his aircraft.  “Rotor?  I barely knew ‘er!”