MGM Is Betting $50 Million That You’ll Laugh at a Demonic Plague
A Fantasy Satire Movie About Farts—And It Might Just Work
MGM Studios has secured the film rights to the novel Pandemonia for a reported $50 million, sources tell Variety. Despite blatantly dumb themes, the studio heads understand a bargain when they see it. This deal comes amid a fierce bidding war among several majors vying to lock down the film adaptation rights to what insiders are calling “Discworld meets Infowars.”
The satirical fantasy is a mythic quest through a painstakingly crafted and historically accurate swamp kingdom. The controversial tale follows Knight Captain Pickle, a briny oaf fated to save the citystate of Quagmerica after a demonic plague is unleashed by a corrupt royal sorcerer. The source material has drawn comparisons to Monty Python, Conan the Barbarian, and Behold, a Pale Horse.
But here’s the twist: every character in the film will be portrayed using cutting-edge Character Hyper-Interpolation (CHI) technology. The cast will be made up entirely of digitally resurrected 1980s and 1990s icons in their physical and cinematic prime, back when movies had real stakes, real muscles, and real synthesizer scores.
💥 CASTING RUMORS:
Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead 2) is set to don the battered helm of Knight Pickle, glory-battered warrior with a briny sense of justice.
Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing) will portray Melody, Pickle’s whip-smart wife and the true brains of the resistance. Sources say her nose of gold will be digitally restored.
Jackie Chan (Legend of Drunken Master) is tapped to play DanHam, the fugitive pilot with kung fu reflexes and a heart of gold.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (Commando) will voice and mo-cap Brick, the monosyllabic strongman sidekick and a heart of gold.
Jack Nicholson (The Shining) will star as The Wiz, a wiz-cracking alcohol-chemist with a heart of gold.
Robert De Niro (Cape Fear) is in talks for Dr. Ant Sickle, the plague’s chief evangelist and a heart that lusts for gold.
Shane Gillis will portray Rex Machinor, the MAGMA-handed monarch. Gilded.
Michael Wincott (The Crow) will embody The Demon Corona, the raspy-voiced apex predator summoned from the depths of Saturday afternoons on TNT.
And Val Kilmer (Willow era) makes a glorious return as Elron Tusk, the techno-archangel with a fetish for air transit and favorable government spending.
🗡️ THE PLOT, IN A CRACKED NUTSHELL
The official synopsis reads:
“When the throne becomes a golden loo, and the kingdom of Quagmerica is gripped by plague, a disgraced knight must form a ragtag fellowship to confront an evil sorcerer, a cursed bureaucracy, and his own gastrointestinal demons.”
Industry insiders are calling Pandemonia “the first film in years brave enough to blend fantasy, satire, pandemic trauma, and farts into one cohesive narrative experience.”
Studio executives have also promised an unrated 16-bit video game tie-in. For a 50% Discount, consider becoming a paid subscriber to UnderGround Designs, the Super Famicon of Substack Blogs:
Is this real?
I was going to do a story where I'm negotiating with a studio buying the rights for my stuff. You bastard Centaur, stealing ideas out of my head before I can put pen to paper! What dark wizardry is this? Did you consult the Necronomicon?